Why is the client-therapist relationship important?
Originally posted on Quora, featured on Forbes and Apple News
The client-therapist relationship gives clients an opportunity to “play” with new ways of relating and connecting to other people. For instance, a client who has difficulty expressing her needs might experiment voicing needs with the therapist. The client may do this by requesting various things from the therapist, such as to meet at a different time, adjust the lighting in the room, or bring up a specific topic regularly. If the therapist responds in an attuned way, the client will have a positive experience, which may encourage her to also express needs outside of the therapy room.
However, even if the therapist reacts in a way that is misattuned to the client, the therapist and client can discuss and reflect on the experience as it unfolds in real-time. This therapeutic work helps clients feel their own emotions, rather than repress, disown, or become overwhelmed by them. As clients become more comfortable with their own emotions, they also become more comfortable with the emotions of another.
The ways in which we relate to one another date back to infancy. Babies who have reliable, attuned caregivers know that someone is there to understand, protect, and care for their needs. If they are hungry, tired, or scared, they cry out. This cry is an evolutionary, adaptive behavior that signals the parent to come to the infant’s aid. The expectation that the parent will come creates a sense of safety that enables children to learn from and explore their surroundings, with a secure base to return to if danger arises.
When caregivers don’t reliably respond to their babies’ distress, infants are left to manage overwhelming sensations, like hunger and fear, on their own. This confronts children with an impossible dilemma. An infant who has been left alone to confront difficult feelings is expected to know how to cope with these emotions (i.e., self-soothe), although they have not had the opportunity to internalize a soothing presence. As a result, the infant may learn to shut down and disconnect from their feelings, or become hyperaroused, constantly on the lookout for danger.
Experiences with caregivers early in life lead us to develop views on and expectations of ourselves, other people, and the world. From infancy, these internal working models enable children to recognize patterns of interaction, which then allow them to “know” and predict what the parent will do next. As we develop, these expectations are also projected onto other people in our lives, which influences our social behaviors.
Children with neglectful caregivers, for instance, may come to expect that most people will ignore their needs. As a result, they may be overly forceful when asking for something or not ask at all. In either case, a self-fulfilling prophecy is likely to occur. Just as expected, the needs will not be met — either because others do not want to capitulate to someone who is overly demanding, or in the latter case, because others do not even know that these needs exist. This result will feed back into the internal working model, further reinforcing the view that others are neglectful and that the self is unworthy and undeserving.
In therapy, clients are encouraged to explore their internal working models. As patterns of relating are brought to the surface and discussed, clients can begin to confront some of the ways in which they protect themselves from painful emotions.
Being comfortable with emotions makes it easier to experience certain things, such as feeling vulnerable with a close other. Why is it important for people to have these varied experiences? Because they bring new dimensions to our lives. By being vulnerable, for instance, you can reach greater levels of intimacy. Discovering new things about ourselves, others, and the world is not just a childhood milestone, but a lifelong pursuit that brings our lives meaning and joy.
Vera Mkrtchian, PsyD is a psychotherapist practicing in San Francisco. If you are interested in seeing Vera for psychotherapy, please visit Liv Psychotherapy.
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